Surrender...
Surrender, oh the thought! It makes me nervous just to think about it! If you know me well then you would know that anything that I have my hands in I am going to give it my all and I am also going to be a bit OCD about it. I like to be in control of what I am doing and I think that every little detail has to be perfect! So when I was hit with some bad anxiety and PTSD...girl let me tell you, it nearly wrecked me.
I have a serious case of anxiety brain and it sure doesn't help me keep all the things in which I have involved myself in order. I don't really know how to explain it other than it's like there is a real, live, NASCAR race in there and I am too slow to even keep an eye on my chosen car! It just keeps going and going and I never catch up. That is just the mind part. There is the emotional end of it, and the physical symptoms as well. Here lately I have been very "emotional" and I have never been a crier. My hormones are all over the place! As for the physical end, my chest gets really tight and sometimes I feel like I am in flight or fight mode. It is really something and I would not wish it on anyone! I am so thankful that those who surround me know what is going on and they love me anyway.
Yes, I do realize that there is medicine for that, and I took it for two years. It was very helpful for the anxiety part however, it left me incredibly sleepy all day, I gained 50 lbs, developed pre-diabetes, and my joints felt like those of what I imagine a 90 year old woman's would feel like. So I finally got myself off of that and I have been searching, trying everything to control it without that! It would take too much time to tell you what I've tried and how each helped or didn't, so I won't try. But I will tell you this, I have come to the realization that I have been fighting the battle completely wrong.
I have prayed and prayed for healing in this matter. I have all but begged God to take this from me. I have tried different remedies and changed my whole lifestyle health wise. But, I had not wept at His feet. I had not truly surrendered it to Him and while I believed that He could do it, I don't know that I thought He would. After watching the War Room, I read Priscilla Shirer's book "Fervent". After that I read Tony Evan's book "Victory in Spiritual Warfare". I had to realize that I cannot do this on my own, I cannot be in control of this. I had to be broken and I can tell you that I certainly was. I had to cry out because I was taking everything that the enemy was throwing at me and allowing him to win!
And that is just it, I was allowing him to win. I have access to the King of Kings, the giver of life, and I was letting the enemy win. Picture me looking like the hyena walking out of the battle with a lion because that is exactly what I looked like and how I felt! But you know what, no more. I had no idea how my good God was facilitating things to bring me to this point. The point of surrender. 2 Timothy 1:7 says "for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. (ESV)". And then comes James 4:6–8 "Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” [7] Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. [8] Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. (ESV)" Ouch, and yet, amen!
He humbled me alright. I am still amazed by what He is doing by teaching me to battle the right way. I am still in awe that since I have put these things into practice in the last couple of weeks that my mind is clearer and my emotions are tears that are healing me. It needed to come out. My physical symptoms have subsided. I don't have it all together yet but it's so noticeable to me the difference. Whatever you are struggling with, just surrender. Put Him in His rightful place and let Him fight for you. He has led me to praying scripture and the armor over myself every day, and now I don't know how I ever did without! I have to chuckle just a bit because as a Christian woman, how did I not know this before? I did, I just wasn't broken enough in the area. Well He fixed that and in the process He is fixing me! What a Savior!
In Grace,
K 🤎
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